Walking with My Past, Present, and Future

By David J. Roth

I walk from my car to work and back for fifteen minutes, five days a week, before sunrise. Every morning, darkness covers my walk and my thoughts. The only light comes from streetlights above or a bright, full moon as I step onto the sidewalk. Delivery trucks come and go. Garbage trucks haul away the waste. Before daybreak, I put on my headphones to block out my thoughts and relax with music before the chaos of the day begins. One morning, I forgot my earbuds. To my surprise, walking in the silence of nature’s sounds—when trucks weren’t passing by—overwhelmed me.

I heard the birds singing as they welcomed the new day with their morning praise for the world. A new sense of calm filled my body that headphones could never create. Listening to the harmony of nature’s sounds at the start of each day was a peaceful break from music. This newfound ease in my mind and body brought me joy, but after a month, it gradually faded. I was saddened, debating whether to return to the constant noise of music or keep trying to embrace this quiet phase, when I discovered my morning buddy. To my left, on the ground, I saw my walking partner, my shadow. He has always been there throughout my entire walk, heading to work, but I hadn’t noticed him since I was a child. I laughed and mentally said hello to him that morning. I felt comforted knowing our meeting was like seeing an old friend. Some mornings, I didn’t greet him, but I tried to acknowledge his presence in a subtle way, never out loud, because my mother always told me that crazy people talk to those who are not there.

Gradually, I grew comfortable around him. I greeted him with a thumbs-up, and I saw he always returned the gesture. One day, I silently asked him, “What do you do all day? Wait for me?” I chuckled to myself.

  On the occasions I saw him in the sunlight, but with too many people around, I only gave him a simple wink. Gradually, my little shadow buddy brought me more and more contentment. My jokingly acknowledging him or saying hello soon made me want to ask him more questions. I noticed he was alone, just like I was. All my family and friends were in different states, so I reached out to my shadow for companionship. “I am not crazy. I am not crazy." Talking out loud, I knew I would need professional help, as Mom had always told me. My shadow left me on my walk to work at the same place every day, so we mentally started saying goodbye to each other. This simple shadow gave me the freedom from the troubles I needed. It was borderline mad, but the feeling of loneliness slowly faded. I could see my shadow from the streetlights as I entered my work entrance, and sometimes, I could see him again in the sunshine on the walk home. This was something to look forward to in my downtrodden life. I wanted to ask him questions I couldn’t ask anyone else: “How do I motivate myself? Why can’t I find love? Will I ever find happiness? Are these questions related?” I wanted answers to big questions from my shadow, a miracle I knew would never happen.

Months later, when I saw him, I simply kept walking past, never feeling that old fondness I had for a brief while. One early morning, the streetlights were new and brighter as I headed to work. I caught a glimpse of my old shadow buddy from the corner of my eye, but he looked different. This time, I had three shadows walking to the left of me. The shadows were in various positions on the ground. The two new shadows walked in front of and behind my usual friend beside me. I stopped as all shadows paused together in chorus. I stared at them but had to keep going to work. I felt different, like I had awakened to confusion. Uncertainty followed me throughout the day as I thought about my three shadows. Something was gnawing at my thoughts, and I couldn’t figure out why.

The next day, arriving early and hoping to observe and connect with my new friends, I paused to focus on the three of them. Then, a coworker approached me on the sidewalk to say hello, but I needed privacy to figure things out. I stepped aside to let her pass while pretending to talk on my phone. When she kept walking to my left, the answer to my confusion became clear. My shadows started revealing my past, present, and future.  

They all relied on each other, but I felt like I was at their mercy. My moment of clarity came when I realized I had been putting off everything I needed to do now, hoping the future could handle these commitments later. Unfortunately, that future version of myself never took care of anything from my past or present. As a result, my current self never fulfilled the promises I made in my life. I always left everything for my future self. This realization made me see that the tough tasks I needed to do now would never get done. 

Everything I had told myself for years flooded back into my mind: “I’ll start exercising and eating healthy next week. I will start saving money after I buy this one last thing I can’t live without. Love will find me one day; there is no need to search.” My present and past spilled over into my future; I had to stop it.

All those years went by wasted, never starting what I knew I had to do for a better life. I always told myself I would look and feel healthy like a fit person. Forty years have passed since I was a chubby child because I never committed to a healthier lifestyle; my answer was always the same: “next week.” This awakening of control I never had was beginning. I needed to make my current self start acting on all my put-off, future plans now. My life was planned for my future self, not for the person who needed to start working today. 

     Staring at the shadow of my present, I shouted at him, “You need to do all that hard future stuff you've been delaying for years now.” I looked at my shadow behind my current self. And you just let it all slip by for years. I screamed, “No more!” This realization was a new and better way of thinking. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and desire, with endless motivation. I was ready to start it all.

     On the sidewalk, my greatest realization was seeing my past, present, and future all at once. We all wiped tears from our faces, and I smiled. Even though I couldn't see theirs, I knew they were glowing with me. My new life had just begun, walking together as one present force.